hitormiss.org : In which Matt reflects on suicide.

« February 15, 2001 »

Journal Entry: In which Matt reflects on suicide.

I came very close to committing suicide in high school. One day in the middle of class I couldn't take the teasing anymore and I called my mom at work and got permission to check out because I was "sick." I drove towards home and pulled into the parking lot of the drug store, sitting there for 30 minutes -- tears streaming down my face -- as I tried to work up the courage to go inside and buy some sleeping pills or something else to kill myself. Eventually I gave up and drove home and never told a soul about it.

I came very close to committing suicide in college. One day I was eating dinner with some fraternity brothers and I couldn't take the teasing anymore and walked out of the McDonald's back towards campus, where I holed myself up in my room. Later, the brothers tried to force my door open to check on me, and I lashed out at them through my tears, pushing my way through them and escaping into the dark. I spent that night in the campus chapel, fortunately left open 24 hours a day, praying to God to make the teasing stop, but also praying for the strength to find some rope and just stop everything. Later, my brothers and I never spoke of that night again.

I came very close to committing suicide, but I didn't. I don't know how I managed to survive, when so many gay teenagers don't.

Growing up in Alabama and attending a conservative college in Indiana, I didn't think I had anyone to talk to. I was wrong, but I didn't see that at the time.

Fortunately today, people have the internet to turn to. If you yourself are thinking about suicide, please read this page.

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Reader Comments:

Ugh. I was there too, when I was 16. Except I took the pills, then snapped out of it immediately afterward. Thank your chosen god for Ipecac. That page is really nice. I like what it says about "People often turn to suicide because they are seeking relief from pain. Remember that relief is a feeling. And you have to be alive to feel it. You will not feel the relief you so desperately seek, if you are dead." I think that's what snapped me out of it. I had the relief once I took the pills. Fortunately, I had time to react before they kicked in.
Posted by Jason on Friday, February 16, 2001

It's a brave thing just to admit to having been there, and a big step to removing the stigma that is a big part of the reason no one talks about suicide...

I've been there too, had those same long nights, and I wish I had had words like yours to read. The upside of having these weblogs is that maybe more kids who don't feel they have a voice or anyone to listen to will find this medium an escape.

And in case you ever wonder, you've got a whole audience here to listen to if you ever need it today. :)
Posted by Anil Dash on Friday, February 16, 2001

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